Thursday, December 8, 2016

Quotes From The Mind of Rock Cowles





Quotes From The Mind of Rock Cowles

"A cunning linguist puts his money where his mouth is." - Rock Cowles

“I’m not perfect. I put my pants on three legs at a time just like any other guy.” - Rock Cowles

"Youth: Time spent flip flopping between being lonely and wanting to be left alone." - Rock Cowles

"Last year the vet told me my dog was getting old and I should put her down so I started calling her "Fat Ass"." - Rock Cowles

"If there is no God wouldn't you want to know? If you wore a big heavy parachute 24/7 for years in case you ever had to jump out of a plane and then one day someone had you open it and look inside and you found out it wasn't a parachute after all, but a backpack full of comic books, would you be glad you hadn't waited until you jumped out of a plane to find out and happy to know the truth and stay away from planes as much as possible?" - Rock Cowles

"I like the way your smile takes up your whole face." - Rock Cowles

"Life is short, don't settle." - Rock Cowles

"The world is not cruel so much as indifferent." - Rock Cowles

"On a scale of one to ten, you suck monkey balls." - Rock Cowles

"Why the hell would I try to get in your pants when it looks like you could barely get them past your hips?" - Rock Cowles

"I sometimes feel like I have earned the right to have a superiority complex since my thinking is so enlightened and refined, and then I go and post some dumbass fuckery like this and have to start over again from scratch." - Rock Cowles

"FSM knows I've poked enough bears with sticks and it seems the older I get, the shorter my stick and the quicker the bears see me coming. I just have less tolerance for bullshit and a lot less need for approval." - Rock Cowles

"My friends had a black cat and a white cat named Leather & Lace, the Sex Kittens. I decided to see if I could outdo them.  I got two Chihuahuas, a male and a female, and named them Woody & Sushi, the Lap Dogs." - Rock Cowles

"I hate it when there is nothing on the Internet..." - Rock Cowles.

"You don't love people because of who they are or what might happen if you don’t. You love them because of who you are." - Rock Cowles

"I wouldn't recommend investing a lot of time worrying about a guy who's plans for world domination involved chicken suits and making people laugh so hard that pee comes out of their noses, but when there is a guy who smiles all the time, says he's your friend, and wants to keep you safe by taking away your teeth and claws, I'd watch that son of a bitch 24/7 with a 45 in each hand and as many friends at my back as possible." - Rock Cowles

"I assure you I only have the breast attentions." - Rock Cowles

"Inside every fat person is a thin person struggling to get out. Sometimes as many as two or three." - Rock Cowles

"I liked what we had, I just didn't like having it with you." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is indeed the opiate of the masses. Except for Islam, it's more like Crystal Meth." - Rock Cowles

"No good deed goes unpunished." - Rock Cowles

"I didn't make you look fat, not pushing yourself away from the table made you look fat." - Rock Cowles, Caricaturist.

"If you can't afford to give something away, you don't own it, it owns you. If you can't afford to sell it, it's probably an important organ." - Rock Cowles

"Don't swallow the blue suppository." - Rock Cowles

"I have found that most single women want neither perfection nor honesty, but both. If you remove all of the possible unknowns from a potential partner, you end up with a corpse." - Rock Cowles

"When we were young and foolish people said we had a death wish. If we live to be old and tired, we realize we had a life wish; and miss it often." - Rock Cowles

"So apparently, 'I didn't even know you had a birthday.' is not a valid excuse for missing one." - Rock Cowles

"Irony is getting a paper cut from a Band-Aid wrapper." - Rock Cowles

"When your children are young you want to protect them from the world. When they're teenagers, you want to protect them from themselves." - Rock Cowles

"The secret to finding happiness isn't a matter of where you look, but how." - Rock Cowles

“Banning guns, drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, political incorrectness, and gay marriage hasn’t worked. We should ban Life. So long as even one of us lives, none will ever be safe.” - Rock Cowles

"Help me, Mr. Wizard! I don't want to be an amateur gynecologist anymore!" - Rock Cowles channeling Tooter the Turtle

"Do Atheists believe in Devils' Advocates?" - Rock Cowles

"Friends don't let friends be Chicago Bears Fans... EVER! (I don't care how much paint your mother huffed during her pregnancy!)" - Rock Cowles

"If a famous liberal politician received a fatal swirly, would the rest of them try to ban indoor plumbing or opposable thumbs first?" - Rock Cowles

"Your paranoia is out to get you." - Rock Cowles

"I know enough to know that I don't know what I don't know." - Rock Cowles

"True Prophecy: Shits Gonna Happen." - Rock Cowles

"Being soft hearted often looks agonizingly similar to being soft-headed." - Rock Cowles

"No greater invention was ever devised for creating the delusion of productivity than the personal computer, except for religion." - Rock Cowles

"Instant gratification isn't worth the wait." - Rock Cowles

Why is it easier for some people to believe their ancestors were a clump of mud and a cannibalized body part than apes? - Rock Cowles

"If it looks too good to be true its usually me!" - Rock Cowles

"Moderate is eunuch for wishy-washy. True moderates don't have opinions and shouldn't be taking polls." - Rock Cowles

"I tried Viagra once. All it did was make me taller." - Rock Cowles

I'm not really a Christian, I just play one at church. (True Things Nobody Says: Rock Cowles)

"Never, ever, ever call a lady cop "Fatboy"." - Rock Cowles

"I've never claimed there is no god. I've simply stated I don't believe in one. The burden of proof is on those who postulate that there is a god while presenting no evidence." - Rock Cowles

"I am grateful for the friends in my life and the life in my friends." - Rock Cowles

"If I tell you that you're a douchebag, then we'll both know." - Rock Cowles

"My daughter is afraid of clowns so I tried starting Coulrophobics Anonymous a few years ago. It didn't go over very well. I guess the balloon animals weren't such a good idea." - Rock Cowles

"People treat you exactly the way you teach them to." -Rock Cowles

"I haven't killed anyone all day. Gimme a cookie. Now." - Rock Cowles

"I don't tolerate stupidity well although I am more than capable of it myself. Wait, what?" - Rock Cowles

"I tried Viagra and all it did was make me taller." - Rock Cowles

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't push him in." - Rock Cowles

"Thinking outside of the box is great, unless you happen to be a cat." - Rock Cowles

"It's all about the ride. If I can enjoy myself, bring some degree of happiness to others, and leave things a little better than when I got here, it wasn't a wasted trip." - Rock Cowles

"You get your cards, place your bets, and play the best game you can. The House always wins." - Rock Cowles


“Is it okay to call Social Justice Warriors “Broke Dick, Pussy Ass, Mother Fuckers” if they are already in their safe space, or should we wait until they reenter the real world?” - Rock Cowles

"Gun control advocates aren't all a bunch of pinheaded simpletons. They've just been gullibly deceived into believing that shooting the messenger solves the problem. Which still takes guns... maybe I'm giving them too much credit." - Rock Cowles

"We cease to exist every time we go to sleep. That break in awareness includes self-awareness. If you aren't there, you won't know what you are missing." - Rock Cowles

"It's so easy to read into why people do things, to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and to reduce people to the sum of their actions and behaviors, the people themselves lost forever. What tragedy." - Rock Cowles

"I don't understand half of what you say and the other half doesn't make any sense." - Rock Cowles

"My perfect girlfriend won't have a gag reflex. Zero. None. Nada. Not because I scare horses, but because these days I'm just not that pretty naked." - Rock Cowles

"Mensa taught me that intelligence is a gift, not a promise. Its a tool, like natural athleticism, that can waste away or be lost in an instant. That having it was not as important as what is done with it." - Rock Cowles

“It is not circumstances, but attitude that dictates the quality of one’s life.” - Rock Cowles

"If you play with zombies, expect to get bit." - Rock Cowles

"If it wasn't for me, I wouldn't have anybody." - Rock Cowles

"My New Year's resolution this New Year was not to make any New Year's resolutions. I already blew it." - Rock Cowles

Religion: "A friend of a friend's brother's ex-girlfriend's dad's former classmate's boss's mother-in-law's co-worker's milkman's pen pal's, medicine man's babysitter's dog said..." and that settles it! - Rock Cowles

"I have no clue what Plato was talking about when he said that the unexamined wife was not worth leaving. I don't even know whose wife he was talking about." - Rock Cowles

God: "Hey, Rock! It's me, God!"

Rock: "God?" How do I know you're really God?"

God: "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."

Rock: "Never mind."

"You are more than just your dress size, but hopefully not too much more." - Rock Cowles

"Good things come to those who wait in ambush." - Rock Cowles

"Just because we are intelligent doesn't mean we have to act like it!" - Rock Cowles

"You never REALLY know anyone, just your perceptions and opinions of them." - Rock Cowles.

"The concept of "throwing away votes" is a lie. It only becomes true if you get enough people to believe it and be afraid they will do it." - Rock Cowles

"Beyond a certain point, the endeavor of waiting to die becomes so unbearable that one must either become proactive or resume going about the busyness of living." - Rock Cowles

"Age is just a number... or three... or both." - Rock Cowles

" 'Singularly offensive'. What a great phrase. That is it's a great phrase if you're an uptight, narcissistic, spoiled, ignorant, pseudo-intellectual, chickenshit, asshat with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Fuck Political Correctness with a rusty chainsaw and a sack full of heads on a Sunday morning. Another day in the bell tower, dammit." - Rock Cowles

"Pacifism only works for the protected." - Rock Cowles

"I antagonize almost everyone I meet. I think it's a mirth defect." - Rock Cowles

“Speak to inform, educate, entertain, and inspire, but first and foremost always speak the truth.” - Rock Cowles


"I think there is conspiracy going to prove that conspiracies exist!" - Rock Cowles

"I'm fluffy and I'm not as pretty naked as I once was. Duh, its called life without good genes, proper diet, regular exercise, an abundance of common sense as a tennager, and plastic surgery." - Rock Cowles

"I'm enough of an independent loner, that staying in a group's good graces is not always my first priority. I'm not a big fan of majority rules. We call that a mob. Sorry, TJ, all men are not created equal, even if they should be afforded equal ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶s̶ freedoms." - Rock Cowles

"I hate the whole Liberal mindset. It makes me nauseous and fearful for my child. I have nightmares about her being trampled by panicked Sheeple when reality becomes real!" - Rock Cowles

"I prefer popcorn over cop porn." - Rock Cowles

"The biggest benefit of being highly intelligent that I've found is that when you look at other people like they're stupid you're usually right." - Rock Cowles

"I believe in GOD; Getting Over Dogma." - Rock Cowles

"How come nobody ever talks about getting the long end of the stick? How can you even tell which end is which?" - Rock Cowles

"Airborne pack their own chutes no matter who they pray to." - Rock Cowles

"Is it just my imagination or are there a lot of Psychotic people in here?" - Rock Cowles

"If it shuffles like a zombie, stinks like a zombie, and moans like a zombie, make sure it isn't your mom, then shoot it in the fucking head." - Rock Cowles

"I'd have more money than Bill Gates if I could invent a snooze button for bladders." - Rock Cowles

"If hindsight is 20/20 why do we keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results?" - Rock Cowles

"You have a certain quality that is nearly irresistible. I think it's called "Spank Appeal"." - Rock Cowles

"Having another birthday year after year is getting old." - Rock Cowles

“If I ever meet C.S. Lewis ”in person“ I will either apologize to him or punch him in the head, depending on where we meet.” - Rock Cowles

"I hate politics. It often seems like an exercise in futility and I'd like to say screw it and let it be someone else's problem. Unfortunately, that someone would most likely be my child and her children. I've seen what not talking about politics has done to the country I love. We cannot remain silent if we want to remain free." - Rock Cowles

"I think outside the box because I was never in it." - Rock Cowles

"I've never belonged to any group that didn't have at least one member who wasn't a total dick." - Rock Cowles (Hey! Wait a minute!)

"'I don't believe' is a statement for me, not a stand. Ignosticism reminds me how much I don't know. It doesn't mean I can't shred specific religions fairly handily. I've just matured to the point that I don't feel the need to. Nothing left to prove or disprove." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is a universal security blanket for a lot of people, especially children. It gives them a sense of security, albeit, I am relatively certain, a false one. It can cost them their freedom, self respect, sanity, and individuality. Teach children to respect life, themselves, and others; to be self reliant, to use their intelligence to draw their own conclusions, to plan for the future, but to live in today." - Rock Cowles

"I could say I don't like dating, but it's more like, I backed over this glass slipper with my car and somebody owes me a tire!" - Rock Cowles

"The first part of preparedness is awareness. Without it, you are toast." - Rock Cowles

"You cannot have humility without generosity and gratitude. Nor can you have generosity and gratitude without empathy. Therefore, you can't have humility without empathy." - Rock Cowles

"Music is the timeline of my life. It reminds me of where I have been, who I was with, what I was doing, and when, as well as what was going on in the world around me." - Rock Cowles

"I detest politics. Unfortunately, I detest most politicians even more." - Rock Cowles

"Dear Single Internet Women, you DO NOT have an "average build" if your birthday suit looks like a snowmobile suit!" - Rock Cowles

"I appreciate nature and I do think we are all connected. What we do to each other and our planet affects us all. If I had to create my own religion it would have only one premise; Don't shit where you eat." - Rock Cowles

"Christianity is like overplanning an expensive, elaborate, invitation only, surprise party for a friend of a friend of a friend who doesn't exist." - Rock Cowles

"The modern day Neanderthal shut-in sits in front of his computer; fearful, ignorant, judgmental, and uncomprehending. A day in the sun is as foreign as kissing a girl or having principles to stand behind." - Rock Cowles

"The best smiles come easily and often and don't include drool unless there is a tail wagging behind them." - Rock Cowles

"I'd like to see atheism represented not only as an intelligent choice, but common sense. It shouldn't take years of study to not believe in things that there is no proof of." - Rock Cowles

"May you be reincarnated as a cat in a dog park." - Rock Cowles

"Sleep, like sanity, seems to elude me when I need it most." - Rock Cowles

"Do you know how many great writers, musicians, artists, scientists, inventors, theologians, and statesmen have died poor? All of them! You can't take it with you, no way, no how! Enjoy what you have while you have it. Whoever is a slave to the mighty buck is a slave to stupidity." - Rock Cowles

"'Pre-owned' is the equivalent of "former virgin beauty queen". "New" and "once new" are far from synonymous. Ask any gynecologist." - Rock Cowles

"I have faith in the law of averages. Every day that I can remember, I awoke. I have little reason to believe that today will be different, but as each day passes, the odds increase that it will not happen this day. I can cling to that faith as much as my little heart desires, but eventually, it will bite me in the ass, and bite hard." - Rock Cowles

"If you don't keep your pants on, who will?" - Rock Cowles

"I'm a Sit Down Stand Up Comedian, whatever the hell that is. Maybe a writer with a short attention span and one broken crayon." - Rock Cowles

"I have a T-shirt that says, "Plays Well With Self." It suits me (or at least the top half)." - Rock Cowles

"Without liberty, there is no opportunity for equality." - Rock Cowles

""Sin" is an archery term meaning "to miss the mark". If we are born sinners, and God created us that way, didn't He miss the mark and therefore sin?" - Rock Cowles

"There is more evidence to support the possibility that there could be a crack smoking Velociraptor in a pink tutu playing the ukelele in my kitchen than there is that there is a god. Personally, I think the Velociraptor would be the less ridiculous of the two." - Rock Cowles

"Getting proper change back at McDonalds: It's not rocket science, but it might as well be." - Rock Cowles

"How can I tell if someone is pretty on the inside without looking in all of her orifices?" - Rock Cowles

"Facebook: more verbicidal maniacs than you can shake a faggot at." - Rock Cowles

"One of the great things about having your own invisible god is you can make him/her/it as big and grand as your little heart desires, and unless he/she/it is crashing into furniture and shit, who is to say different?" - Rock Cowles

"What's the most interesting thing about me? It's a toss up between my frolicking, unconventional, and twisted mind and the way I use a chainsaw to paint Lima Beans purple with my toes in my sleep while driving. What about you?" - Rock Cowles

"It's not my job to shove enlightenment up people's asses, but some days I get stuck volunteering to do it." - Rock Cowles

"Happiness in relationships is often a balancing act. You can't always just go after eye candy, follow your pants, or get tugged everywhere by your heartstrings. Sometimes it's hard remembering that you are complete all by yourself. Relationships are enhancements. They make you more of who you are, so you want to take the time to find the people who bring out the good in you. Don't quit, just take your time, be patient, don't settle, and be good to and trust yourself." - Rock Cowles

"Welfare sucks, literally." - Rock Cowles

"For some men, honor is more than a word, more than a way of life, it is more important than life. The ones who are truly honorable are always honorable. They are not volatile. They make the best friends and the worst enemies for they know that once lost, honor, like virginity, can never be regained." - Rock Cowles

"Being happy with your obesity is about as intelligent as being happy with your seat on the railroad tracks. It might work for a brief while, but it's not recommended." - Rock Cowles

"I think Liberals may tend to be more people-oriented, whereas Conservatives are more task oriented. It makes Liberals look softheaded to Conservatives and Conservatives hardhearted to Liberals. I'm a Libertarian for the most part. I guess we're just assholes. Practical, critical thinking assholes who ask evil selfish questions like "Why are we being punished for something someone else did or might possibly do?", "Who is supposed to pay for this?" and "What about my children and their future?"" - Rock Cowles

""Fixed income" is my new least favorite oxymoron..." - Rock Cowles

"Is Dr. Atkins the Anti-Pasta?" - Rock Cowles

"Is it Armageddon yet or did I miss it?" - Rock Cowles

"Whoever gets their pants off fastest doesn't necessarily win." - Rock Cowles


"I now have a new reason for living. It is my life's goal to make my girlfriend laugh so hard that she pees out of her nose!" - Rock Cowles

“Just Because I’m Arrogant Doesn’t Mean That I’m Not Better Than You!” - Rock Cowles

“When all else fails, go back to bed. Repeat as necessary.” - Rock Cowles

"It wouldn't be nearly as much fun if everyone walked a mile in my shoes. There'd be like arms and legs, peckers and boobs sticking out everywhere, and I think I'd need to burn the shoes afterward." - Rock Cowles

"I take not taking life too seriously very seriously." - Rock Cowles

"Do Mega-Churches have Mega-Pastors?" - Rock Cowles

"I've been an occasional Mensan over twenty years, yet I don't, as a rule, go through my day thinking I am smarter than the majority of people I come in contact with. As a matter of fact, I tend to be amazed by the depths of human stupidity on a near daily basis, including, sometimes, my own." - Rock Cowles

“Having another birthday, year after year, is getting old.” - Rock Cowles

"I prefer "open minds" over "like minds". Its part of that whole "think for yourself" thingy that I try to subscribe to." - Rock Cowles

"Money may talk, but Debt screams like a horde of syphilitic banshees!" - Rock Cowles

“I have no more fear of death than I do of going to sleep. I have no psychotic, PMSing, invisible tyrant in the sky trying to fry me with a magnifying glass just for showing up.

I know the rules and have a clear conscience.  I'm an atheist." - Rock Cowles

"I unintentionally slaughter sacred cows in public venues and speak my mind even when I have lost it. I often open my mouth just to change feet." - Rock Cowles

"If you have lived your life in such a way that no one has ever found you obnoxious then you have my condolences for you have never really lived." - Rock Cowles

"Just because you have a Twitter account doesn't mean you should have a Twitter account. - Rock Cowles

"I overthink everything except for maybe when..." - Rock Cowles

"As I age, the filters between my mind and my mouth get used less and less and the unsuspecting world gets to experience more and more of what is uniquely me... the hard way." - Rock Cowles

"My singing is inspirational. When I sing, the people around me sing louder." - Rock Cowles

"To be is to create. To create is to be." - Rock Cowles

"There are two things in life more important than a good education; Health and Integrity, neither of which can easily be replaced." - Rock Cowles

"Sometimes sad just is." - Rock Cowles

"Government Education is an oxymoron. It is indoctrination. Lay still, little sheep, or The Wolf will get you." - Rock Cowles

"Personal responsibility for one's own thoughts and emotions requires great courage, but is the only path to true freedom." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is as harmless as a toddler with a handgun." - Rock Cowles

"When a friend dies, they take a part of you with them and leave a little of themselves behind." - Rock Cowles

"Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Not that I have much left to prove." - Rock Cowles

"A real education is not just eclectic, it defines it." - Rock Cowles

"Someone once busted on me for liking one of my own posts. Why the hell would I have posted it in the first place if I didn't like it? It's like giving a writer shit, instead of credit, for quoting themselves. Everyone quotes themselves. Writers are just a bit more formal and hopefully articulate about it. It's how they make a living. Artists sign their work. It's how they get known and how they get paid. Give credit where credit is due. Respect copyrights." - Rock Cowles

"I'm a libertarian, not a liberal. That makes me pro get the fuck out of my face, not pro poor baby." - Rock Cowles

"Live wrong and posture." - Rock Cowles

"An atheist is merely someone who doesn't believe in god/s. Atheism matters to me because I see what religion does to people, individually and collectively. I'm horrified and appalled by what people and societies do in the name of their god/s or religion. I want to do my part to stop it. I'm not out to deconvert anyone. I want them to start thinking boldly, to question everything,  to learn to recognize truth, and deconvert themselves." - Rock Cowles

"Character matters most. It will outlast physical beauty, athleticism, intelligence, and since you can't take it with you, prosperity." - Rock Cowles

" If women were created from ribs then why do they taste like fish?" - Rock Cowles

"You'll make more friends with a blunt rock than with a kind word. Or not." - Rock Cowles

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