Letter of Reference

First the set up. I was a police officer in the City of Woodruff (South Carolina) for three years in the nineties. After I left, I asked the City Manager, John Mullins, to write me a letter of reference. John, at sixty, appeared to be a portly English butler. With elegant manners, incredible articulation and clarity, and his fancy suits, John’s polished exterior belies the presence of the hyperactive/ADD poster child. Always professional and graceful in public, he is quick and witty behind closed doors. Up to his elbows in everything, John repeatedly put it off. Finally, exasperated by my tenacity, he told me to write it myself and if I didn't overdo it, he would sign it.

Attached is what I faxed him at the City Hall, fake signature and all.



The next day, the best letter of reference I had ever received was in the mail!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 20th, 1998





John Mullins

Woodruff City Manager

231 E. Hayne Street

Woodruff, SC 29388



Ref.: Dave Cowles



To Whom It May Concern;



Regarding former Woodruff police officer, Dave Cowles. It is my opinion that Dave was the most courageous, competent, intelligent, morally pure person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with. And, he had one humdinger of a sense of humor. Everyday, he would come up to my office, bodily remove whoever might be sitting in front of my desk from the City Hall, return, and shout, ”Hey Fatboy, why do so many gay men have mustaches!?”. As was our routine (No, I do not have a mustache), I would reply, “SOMEBODY CALL 911!”. Dave would pull out his gun, start waving it around, and yell, “TO HIDE THEIR STRETCHMARKS!”, then he would laugh until he soiled his britches and pass out from all of the drugs and alcohol. God damn, was he a hoot to work with!



I’ll never forget the time he talked me into stripping down to my boxer shorts, rolling around in chicken blood and feces, then with a cucumber in one hand and a feather boa in the other, run into the City Council Meeting screaming that I was attacked by faggot alien dwarves! You should have seen the looks on their faces! Sure, they all laughed and later on said they didn’t believe it for a second, but I knew they did! God damn, was he a hoot to work with!



Sometimes we would talk about philosophy, life, and all that shit.



He was a great cop and all of Woodruff is the poorer for his leaving. He should be king! He made me want to be a Yankee! Give him a job, any job. He’s a god damned hoot to work with.



Please feel free to contact me with any further questions.



Your friend in Jesus,



John Mullins

John Mullins

Woodruff City Manager

(864) 555-1212

Sex Offender Registry Revisited

I was recently viewing a great web site called City-Data.com and used one of its features which allows you to see all of the registered sex offenders in a given area. I actually found one in my townhouse complex, which was startling since you have to have a clean record and a criminal background check to live here! It turns out this guy was not on the lease, but had moved in with his girlfriend. They have all sorts of rules for convicted sex offenders, at least in South Carolina. I was told that they are not allowed to live in apartment complexes and have to introduce themselves and state that they are registered sex offenders with their neighbors.

This guy was convicted ten years ago of distributing obscene materials to a minor (16 years old). That got me wondering. Did he give a Playboy magazine to his son and his ex-wife had him arrested? Did he get drunk and text a picture of his junk to his kids' babysitter? Its a pretty vague charge to have following you around the rest of your life. Why is sex still so taboo in our society? If you are convicted of a sex crime, you don't serve your time and get a fresh start, like a murderer, thief, or manslaughter committing drunk driver. Why is that? Of course nobody likes a pedophile or anyone who preys on children. Is "Once a pedophile always a pedophile" true? Why are they released into society with the handicap of the Registered Sex Offender label following them through every aspect of their lives if they are rehabilitated? Why are they released into society at all if they are not?

Not all convicted sex offenders are predators. I know of a body piercer who worked in the Myrtle Beach area and pierced a sixteen year old boy's nipples when his father brought him in and signed for him to have it done. The boy's parents were going through an ugly divorce and the mother called the police and had the piercer arrested for performing a lewd act on a minor. He is now, and will always be, a convicted sex offender! Where is the justice there?

These laws remind me of Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. I think they need to be reevaluated without the religious puritanism and piousness that they were formed around in a different time. Let the punishment fit the crime.

This strikes me as having similar problems to the War On Drugs which, in South Carolina, will suspend a person's drivers license for simple possession of marijuana even if they weren't driving a car or in a car when they were busted. Another great way to wreck someone's marriage, reputation, and livelihood that has the potential to be vastly excessive.

The Prepared Concealed Carrier

First off, as a former police officer, I am a big fan of Concealed Carry. I am concerned at the lack of training and discretion a lot of CWP Holders show. I have seen veterans and current military with no concept of OPSEC (Operational Security) or Need To Know. Having a CWP (Concealed Weapons Permit) doesn't make you an instant bad ass, cowboy, or member of the Big Boys Club. Hopefully what it does do is help you to be prepared to survive a bad situation that you cannot avoid and to look after your family at the same time. NO ONE except a spouse, roommate, or a police officer in the performance of his or her duties needs to know you have a CWP, a gun, what type of gun you have, or where it is. The only exception would be the owner of a private residence (In South Carolina, check your local laws) if you are requesting permission to enter.

In South Carolina, pointing a firearm (at someone) is a felony with a ten year imprisonment penalty. Presenting a firearm (opening your jacket, pulling up your shirt, etc) carries five years. If you show or tell the wrong person your firearm, several things can happen. Among them are; 1) They'll know to hit you from behind with a brick instead of to step in front of you with a knife. 2) They're a little crazy, mad at you, jealous of you, want to bounce your girlfriend, or owe you money and they call the police and say, "Joe Patriot just pointed a Glock 17 at me and said he was going to kill me! He's here now with the gun!" The police show up, have exigent circumstances, draw down on you, ask if you have a gun, and lo and behold, its a Glock 17! Guess who is going to jail?

If someone gets the draw on you during an armed robbery, do you really want your dumb ass buddy saying, "Do something, Joe! Shoot the sumbitch!". No one needs to know.

There are people who will rob you to take your gun! Don't give up your tactical edge. Get rid of the Glock Hat, Gadsden Flag T-shirt, and NRA decal on your car. Don't advertise and don't make the police more nervous than they already are!

That said, there are a few things, IMHO, any CWP holder should carry besides a firearm and extra ammo.

1) Their CWP (You can't legally carry without it on your possession in most states)

2) Handcuffs or Zip Ties (Many a police officer has been killed by a dead guy. If you have to shoot someone, handcuff them, even if they appear deceased! If you had the right to defend yourself, then you have the right to make a Felony Citizen's Arrest.)

3) Cellphone (If you have to use your firearm, and have to leave the scene to call the police it makes things a lot more difficult)

4) Illumination (Basic Firearm Safety: Don't shoot what you can't see and positively identify. A good tactical flashlight works well to disorient an aggressive person as well as as an impact weapon, Kubaton, or on pressure points. I recommend a Fenix Tactical LD22.


5) ICE (In Case of Emergency contacts. We don't always win and sometimes we win on the streets and still go downtown).

6) Bug Out Bag with First Aid Kit including blood clotting agents and large bandages (You might not save your assailant on the street, but trying might save you in court).

[I]©Rock Cowles. www.PreparationMForum.com[/I]

Taxes Taxes Taxes (Shared)

At first I thought this was funny... then I realized
the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax hi s beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won 't be done

Till he has no dough.

When he hollers,
Tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Inter est Charge s

IRS Penalties(tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service
Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax < BRVehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and
our nation was the most
prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest
middle class in the
world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians'?


And... I still have to 'press 1' for English.

750Words.com Day One

A friend told me about a site that lets you write a private journal/book/maifesto/whatever 750 words a day just to get in the habit of writing and having some kind of accountability. I'm going to take the 30 day challenge and try to write 750 words a day in December even though its 31 days. The site is called www.750Words.com. Today I wrote just to get a feel for it. If I'm going to be a writer or blogger, I need to start writing daily.

This is unedited. Quantity, not quality and the ramblings or a meandering mind.

Maybe I'll get more private as I go on.

Day One.

Well, fuck a duck. I have committed to doing the inevitable doable task. Shall I just babble on, creating mindless dribble and hoping against hope for witty banter? See that hoping against hope thing? I was going to say hoping, but then I changed it to hoping against hope which added two more words and a little dramatic flair. At least I suppose its dramatic flair. It could just be I'm a fucking blowhard. Should I say fuck for fucks sake in these things? I'd imagine a good part of this ends up being fluff, filler, blah blah balhs of various description. blah blah balhs? No, blah blah blahs. Wow, typos are fun. Do they have proper Netiquette for journals? Do this, don't do that, where's your mother, little boy?

Paragraph.

Nonsense, that wasn't a paragraph, it was a bunch of discombobulated bull shit. I don't even know what discombobulated means, but it sure is fun to say. I'll Google it later. I should get extra points for typos because the mother fuckers are a HUGE distraction and if I go back and fix them its likes typing six extra words. I'm happy as fuck this whole thing seems to be about quantity and not quality. It would be extra super groovy if , ah fuck, I forgot what I was going to say since I got focused on how extra super groovy the phrase extra super groovy was. I wonder if I'm the first sentient being to ever utter the term. Actually, I think I would have to say it out loud to have it actually qualify as an utterance.

Wow, 270 words already. My junk is as big as an eggplant! Every time I start to brag about how many words I wrote the total changes! Its like what is the mathematical formula for figuring out if I won a car and I had to pay forty percent of its value in taxes and the prize issuer wanted that to not come out of my pocket and was trying to figure out the cash bonus amount to go with the car and once he added that money I had to pay taxes on it too, so he had to add more and God Damn my ass hurts!

Half way there. Am I a better person for it? Do I feel more creative? Eloquent? Have I left the world a better place? Who kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn? I guess it should be who kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn? Does similar spelling make rymes better? I never could spell ryhme rhyme worth a fuck. Fucking rhymes. Holy smokes that word sucks. What are some that you have trouble with? Business used to tie my head in knots, but I think I got it now. Convieniance, shit, missed again, still does. Guard some times, friend is another. For some reason that i before e except after... after, after y except as in neighbor or weigh? Fuck. My brain is broken. I don't remember anymore.

So I'm trying to get the attention of these ladies on these stupid internet dating sites and its a bitch. I'm polite, clever, cute, funny, and respectable and they block me. I write them for the first time and tell them I am starting to have second thoughts about having their baby and they bomb the shit out of my message box. I like knowing from the git go if I have a compatible sense of humor with someone, but some of thee women are freaks what type of woman knits a uterus for fun and hugs dirt?

Less than a hundred and forty words to go. I want to smoke! And take a shower, and get my meds for the next four weeks together and make fun of my dog for being naked and in a cage. I think I'm going to start letting my typoos and mispellings stand as much as I can stand without automatically correcting them. Maybe they will add a rare and glorious character to my writing and we can finally shitcan fonics or is it phonics or all switch of to it once and fucking for all. Sorry, that was a cheap ignorant redneck use of the word fucking fuck, I just typed a t on accident and deleted it. I'm robbing my writing of its character! Sorry, back to fucking, what was I sayiong? Sayiong, what a fucking idiot I am. Ha smoke time!

One month challenge sign up on 750 Words

Are you a writer? Of course you are, everybody has a story to tell!
Need a solid daily friendly kick in the butt?

One month challenge sign up on 750 Words

Post #101: Internet Dating

So my wife and I are separated and home is no longer there. A man can only lust over pictures on his computer for so long before he realizes that there is more to life than banging his fist and that something might just be missing. Since there is no one around to give me divine Roofies, snatch one of my ribs (Isn't that an urban legend?) and make me my very own Eve Real Doll, I took it upon myself to sign up for not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five (or was it eight?) free internet dating services.

I hate to say it, but you get what you pay for. Between middle-aged women who think being forty pounds overweight is an "average figure" (OMMFG! It is!) and ones who look like a cross between Mee Maw, Frankenstein's Monster, and a bulldog sucking lemons, it gets a TAD frustrating. At least the gay men who want to be my submissive playtoys are polite.

Anyhow, if you have ever had the misfortune to be in sales you know all about flinging shit. The theory goes that if you fling enough shit at the wall, some will stick. In this case, if you ask enough internet dating site female types out, you might eventually get lucky (if you aren't raped, sodomized, and killed first) and find one of the few who still has all of her teeth, finished third grade, and doesn't eat football players for breakfast after pulling her boobs from out of her pants and beating them to death with them.

So you say, all right, I'm here, fuck it. I might as well have fun. It doesn't matter how compassionate and nurturing these women describe themselves as being, if you don't say something really magical in your profile or messages (I still don't know exactly what that would be!) you get no reply. None. Nada. Being a gentleman, clever, witty, romantic, not including the pictures of yourself wearing the paisley thong (or not wearing it)doesn't help. No f-u-c-k-i-n-g reply. Your pour your heart out and, sniffle... never mind. That's behind me. I'm flying from the seat of my pants and having fun from now on even if I never get another date. They can only lock me up for the rest of my life once (unless I escape repeatedly, right?). If you can't make yourself laugh who can?

Anywho, I wrote this fine introductory letter to a smoking hot woman, my age, who looks very comfortable and safe in her safe and comfortable life. Her username was not NotMaggy, it was NotMaggie, but I changed it to protect her privacy. Here it be. (Beware the Grammar Nazis!)

Oh my stars and garters, look at you; Big blue eyes, wicked smile, fun wardrobe, and a sexy figure. Homina homina. Once we get past all of the visual glory, it appears there is someone even better inside who loves life, has her act together, and likes to help others. Ahhh, compassion, character, and beauty all in one nice package. Sigh. Scary.

I haven't even the slightest clue why you want to be sure that everyone knows that you are NotMaggy, and I am okay with that. I will NEVER call you Maggy unless you ask me to. NEVER! So, well, there. Alrighty then.

I have a profile too. You might notice immediately that I am not Prince Charming of the Blue Bloods and there is not silver spoon protruding from my mouth in any of my pictures, but what I have is mine and I make do with it. I've had a life that was well worth living and material possessions were never a big part of it, so the diamond studded bloomers will have to wait for another lifetime. Unless one of us wins the PowerBall and they have them on sale at Wal-mart.

Can you dig it? Sorry, line from the movie, "The Warriors". Most of my friends are younger than me so I get a little excited talking to someone my own age. Oh shit, sorry. If you were here in person and we were talking and you were smiling at me like you do in your pictures, and I was feeling really ballsy, I'd touch your hand once in a while while we talked. I would! Really!

You've got the cutest knees... aww, crap, its time to get back in my cage. I hope that you smiled at least once while reading my message before deciding to get off of the internet forever.

If you wrote me back I would probably get so excited that I couldn't stand it and I'd turn into a quivering mass of joy on the floor under my desk next to the... oh, never mind, but I'm willing to risk it, okay?

Dave

Comments? Tips? Phone numbers? I'm going to go see if she wrote me back yet! Talk to you later. I'm so excited...