Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Post #101: Internet Dating

So my wife and I are separated and home is no longer there. A man can only lust over pictures on his computer for so long before he realizes that there is more to life than banging his fist and that something might just be missing. Since there is no one around to give me divine Roofies, snatch one of my ribs (Isn't that an urban legend?) and make me my very own Eve Real Doll, I took it upon myself to sign up for not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five (or was it eight?) free internet dating services.

I hate to say it, but you get what you pay for. Between middle-aged women who think being forty pounds overweight is an "average figure" (OMMFG! It is!) and ones who look like a cross between Mee Maw, Frankenstein's Monster, and a bulldog sucking lemons, it gets a TAD frustrating. At least the gay men who want to be my submissive playtoys are polite.

Anyhow, if you have ever had the misfortune to be in sales you know all about flinging shit. The theory goes that if you fling enough shit at the wall, some will stick. In this case, if you ask enough internet dating site female types out, you might eventually get lucky (if you aren't raped, sodomized, and killed first) and find one of the few who still has all of her teeth, finished third grade, and doesn't eat football players for breakfast after pulling her boobs from out of her pants and beating them to death with them.

So you say, all right, I'm here, fuck it. I might as well have fun. It doesn't matter how compassionate and nurturing these women describe themselves as being, if you don't say something really magical in your profile or messages (I still don't know exactly what that would be!) you get no reply. None. Nada. Being a gentleman, clever, witty, romantic, not including the pictures of yourself wearing the paisley thong (or not wearing it) doesn't help. No f-u-c-k-i-n-g reply. You pour your heart out and, sniffle... never mind. That's behind me. I'm flying from the seat of my pants and having fun from now on even if I never get another date. They can only lock me up for the rest of my life once (unless I escape repeatedly, right?). If you can't make yourself laugh who can?

Anywho, I wrote this fine introductory letter to a smoking hot woman, my age, who looks very comfortable and safe in her safe and comfortable life. Her username was not NotMaggy, it was NotMaggie, but I changed it to protect her privacy. Here it be. (Beware the Grammar Nazis!)

Oh my stars and garters, look at you; Big blue eyes, wicked smile, fun wardrobe, and a sexy figure. Homina homina. Once we get past all of the visual glory, it appears there is someone even better inside who loves life, has her act together, and likes to help others. Ahhh, compassion, character, and beauty all in one nice package. Sigh. Scary.

I haven't even the slightest clue why you want to be sure that everyone knows that you are NotMaggy, and I am okay with that. I will NEVER call you Maggy unless you ask me to. NEVER! So, well, there. Alrighty then.

I have a profile too. You might notice immediately that I am not Prince Charming of the Blue Bloods and there is not silver spoon protruding from my mouth in any of my pictures, but what I have is mine and I make do with it. I've had a life that was well worth living and material possessions were never a big part of it, so the diamond studded bloomers will have to wait for another lifetime. Unless one of us wins the PowerBall and they have them on sale at Wal-mart.

Can you dig it? Sorry, line from the movie, "The Warriors". Most of my friends are younger than me so I get a little excited talking to someone my own age. Oh shit, sorry. If you were here in person and we were talking and you were smiling at me like you do in your pictures, and I was feeling really ballsy, I'd touch your hand once in a while while we talked. I would! Really!

You've got the cutest knees... aww, crap, its time to get back in my cage. I hope that you smiled at least once while reading my message before deciding to get off of the internet forever.

If you wrote me back I would probably get so excited that I couldn't stand it and I'd turn into a quivering mass of joy on the floor under my desk next to the... oh, never mind, but I'm willing to risk it, okay?


Comments? Tips? Phone numbers? I'm going to go see if she wrote me back yet! Talk to you later. I'm so excited...

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Some Favorite Quotes

Some of My Favorite Quotes in No Particular Order (updated 01/10/15)

The great thing about quotes is that they give you a taste of someone's thinking without committing to dinner and a movie.

These are some of my favorites as well as some of my thoughts, quips, reflections, insights, and delusions. (Updated 01/10/15)

Cogito Ergo Periculosus - I Think, Therefore, I am Dangerous

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian." - Henry Ford

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government." —Thomas Paine

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - Helen Keller

"If I didn't know better I'd think." - Rock Cowles

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
- Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

"A heretic is a man who sees with his own eyes." - Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

"When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say." - Maggie Kuhn

"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one." - John Lennon

"We should never forget that everything Adolf Hitler did in Germany was 'legal' and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was 'illegal.'" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.” -  Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

"The defining factor (to success) is never resources, it's resourcefulness.” – Anthony Robbins

"For those that will fight for it...FREEDOM...has a flavor the protected shall never know" - L/Cpl Edwin L. "Tim" Craft, 1968 Khe Sanh Combat Base

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” - Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

"Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind - even if your voice shakes." - Maggie Kuhn

"The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil Constitution, are worth defending at all hazards; and it is our duty to defend them against all attacks. We have received them as a fair inheritance from our worthy ancestors: they purchased them for us with toil and danger and expense of treasure and blood, and transmitted them to us with care and diligence. It will bring an everlasting mark of infamy on the present generation, enlightened as it is, if we should suffer them to be wrested from us by violence without a struggle, or to be cheated out of them by the artifices of false and designing men." - Samuel Adams

"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings." - Salvador Dali

“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.” - Stephen Fry

"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence." - Frederick Douglass

"I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." - Robert A. Heinlein

"We must work together as brothers or perish together as fools." - Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson

“If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.” - Terence McKenna

"I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things."  Isaiah 45:7 (King James Version) Ah ha!

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it”. - George Santayana

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus [341–270 B.C.]

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." —George Bernard Shaw

"I do not discuss my being a heretic, not for fear of my beliefs, but from fear of yours." - Hijikata

"Prejudice: A vagrant opinion, living without visible means of support." - Ambrose Bierce

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." - Anais Nin

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." —Dave Barry

“Educate and inform the whole mass of the people... They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.”  - Thomas Jefferson

"He only employs his passion who can make no use of his reason." —Cicero

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - Kahlil Gibran

"The more you read about us, the more you're going to be persuaded that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true creator and that FSMism is the Best. Religion. Ever. Go ahead, try us for 30 days. If you don't like us, your old religion will most likely take you back. Unless it's the Jains, whose feelings are easily hurt." - Bobby Henderson

"The clergy, by getting themselves established by law and ingrafted into the machine of government, have been a very formidable engine against the civil and religious rights of man."- Thomas Jefferson

"Faith is believing what you know ain't so." - Mark Twain

"Religion is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions." - Albert Einstein

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are faeries at the bottom of it too?" - Douglas Adams

"I am against Religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world." - Richard Dawkins

"A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything." - Malcolm X

"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope." - P.J. O'Rourke

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." —Oscar Wilde

“Is man merely a mistake of God's, or God merely a mistake of man's?” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"The future belongs to those who
prepare for it." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." —George Carlin

The Crucifixion Explained: God was sacrificed by God to God to save God's Children from God.

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the need for thought." - Henri Poincaré

"To know that you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease." —Lao-tzu

"Know what I hate? When the zip-close part of the plastic bag tears away from the bag, so it won't zip closed. And humanity." - Christopher Moore

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination." —Mark Twain

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”  -  Dr. Seuss

"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk

"Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have." - Ronald Reagan

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” - Anthony Robbins

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” - Stephen Roberts

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." —George Carlin

“Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man.” - Thomas Jefferson

"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may house their bodies, but not souls.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable." - Kahil Gibran, The Prophet

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."  - Bertrand Russell

"The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than the democratic state itself. That in its essence is fascism: ownership of the government by an individual, by a group or any controlling private power."  - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum. . . That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate." - Noam Chomsky

"True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde

"Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration - courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and above all, love of the truth."  - H.L. Mencken

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. - Voltaire

“There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.” -  Friedrich Nietzsche

Cogito ergo armatum sum (I think, therefore I am armed).

"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Mark Twain

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” - George Carlin

"Our expensive welfare state is fueled by the destructive notion that 'greed' is when you want to keep your own money but 'compassion' is when you want to take somebody else's." – Lawrence Reed

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."  - Voltaire

"The Constitution sometimes protects the buffoonery of a few in order to protect the freedom of us all." - Judge Andrew Napolitano

Success - "To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...” -  George Carlin

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)” - Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

"Atheism may be defined as the mental attitude which unreservedly accepts the supremacy of reason and aims at establishing a life-style and ethical outlook verifiable by experience and scientific method, independent of all arbitrary assumptions of authority and creeds."

"To argue with a person that has renounced the use of reason is like administering medication to the dead." - Thomas Paine.

"That's what." - She

"For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk

"An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or government." - Dr. Ron Paul

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” - Mahatma Gandhi

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end" - R. J. Wiedemann, Lt. Col., USMC Ret.

"We've gone from a country whose population instinctively knew there was no free lunch to one whose population has convinced itself that the consumption of free lunches is a revenue generating activity." - author unknown

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." - Joseph Conrad

"Whats the point of living on the edge if you don't lean over a little?" from One Rough Man by Brad Taylor.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer Let him step to the music he hears however measured or far away." - Waldon, Henry David Thoreau

“Luck is a word the bitter teach to the ignorant.” - Steve Maraboli

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who did not." ~ Thomas Jefferson

"Moral indignation: Jealousy with a halo." - H. G. WELLS

"Μολὼν Λαβέ"

“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful." - Seneca the younger

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." ~ Plato

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." - John Wooden

"An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life." - Robert Heinlein

"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.

"Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes." - Abraham Lincoln

" The problem with Socialism is that eventually you run out of other peoples' money." - Margaret Thatcher

"A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle." - George William Curtis

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." - Maj. Gen. James Mattis

"Argue your limitations and they are yours." - Anthony Robbins

"Truly understanding that we are masters of our own world by where we put our attention, thought, and feeling is the essence of personal responsibility." - Cody Lundin

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. (TANSTAAFL)" Robert A. Heinlein

'If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch for your chance and hit him with a brick.' - Mark Twain

"Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear" - Thomas Jefferson

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian” - Dennis Wholey

"Anybody can look at a pretty girl and see a pretty girl. An artist can look at a pretty girl and see the old woman she will become. A better artist can look at an old woman and see the pretty girl that she used to be. But a great artist-a master-and that is what Auguste Rodin was-can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is...and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be...and more than that, he can make anyone with the sensitivity of an armadillo, or even you, see that this lovely young girl is still alive, not old and ugly at all, but simply imprisoned inside her ruined body. He can make you feel the quiet, endless tragedy that there was never a girl born who ever grew older than eighteen in her matter what the merciless hours have done to her. Look at her, Ben. Growing old doesn't matter to you and me; we were never meant to be admired-but it does to them."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it." - author unknown

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” - Louis de Bernieres

“Genius without education is like silver in the mine.” - Benjamin Franklin

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.” - Mark Twain, 1904 notebook

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."--Robert Frost

"Political correctness is tyranny with manners." - Charlton Heston

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein

" Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind " - Dr. Seuss

During his defense when on trial for his life, Socrates, according to Plato's writings, pointed out that dissent, like the tiny (relative to the size of a horse) gadfly, was easy to swat, but the cost to society of silencing individuals who were irritating could be very high. "If you kill a man like me, you will injure yourselves more than you will injure me," because his role was that of a gadfly, "to sting people and whip them into a fury, all in the service of truth."

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick

"I believe." he thought. "I have faith."
"Faith in what?" he asked himself, adrift in limbo.
"Faith in faith." he answered himself. "It isn't necessary to have something to believe in. It's only necessary to believe that somewhere there's something worthy of belief."
(Gully Foyle: The Stars My Destination) - Alfred Bester

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer gods than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen Henry Roberts, Historian (1901-71)

"Absence of proof isn't proof of absence." - Robert Buettner

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” – Herbert Spencer

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."  - Robert A. Heinlein

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" - Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid." - Marcus Aurelius

“People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep seated need to believe." - Carl Sagan

"It is easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission." - Grace Hopper

"I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure." - Mark Twain

"The most preposterous notion that Homo sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history." - Robert A. Heinlein

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher." - Socrates

"Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything." - Robert A. Heinlein

"For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who do not believe, no explanation will suffice." - Joseph Dunninger, Mentalist

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." - Lao Tzu

"Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. RAmen." -The FSM Holy Prayer

"When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty!" - Thomas Jefferson

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief, and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!" - Bob Marley

"No generalization is worth a damn, including this one." - Author unknown

Just a karmic reminder to play nice: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." - Thomas Jones

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is." - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"I always have a quotation for everything - it saves original thinking." - Dorothy L. Sayers

"I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends."
— John Churton Collins

Many times opportunity is not recognized because it dresses up in work clothes - Henry Ford

"Think of and look at your work as though it were done by your enemy. If you look at it to admire it, you are lost." - Samuel Butler

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." ~H. L. Mencken

"Why should I allow that same God to tell me how to raise my kids, who had to drown His own?"- Robert G. Ingersoll

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. Do not believe in anything because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find anything that agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

"Don't you think if I was wrong I'd know?" - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're probably right!" - Anthony Robbins

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"When any government, or any church for that matter, undertakes to say to its subjects, This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know, the end result is tyranny and oppression no matter how holy the motives." - Robert Heinlein

“Heresy," by the way, simply means "choice." It came to mean "thoughtcrime," implying it was blasphemy to presume to choose your own belief instead of swallowing what the bishops spoonfed you.” - Robert M. Price

"All great truths begin as blasphemies." —George Bernard Shaw

"The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more." - Christopher Hitchens

"There is nothing so passionate as a vested interest disguised as an intellectual conviction." - Frank Herbert

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here." - Richard Dawkins

"The thing about quotes on the Internet is you can not confirm their validity." - Abraham Lincoln

Quotes from the mind of Rock Cowles

“I’m not perfect. I put my pants on three legs at a time just like any other guy.” - Rock Cowles

"Youth: Time spent flip flopping between being lonely and wanting to be left alone." - Rock Cowles

"A cunning linguist puts his money where his mouth is." - Rock Cowles

"Last year the vet told me my dog was getting old and I should put her down so I started calling her "Fat Ass"." - Rock Cowles

"I like the way your smile takes up your whole face." - Rock Cowles

"Life is short, don't settle." - Rock Cowles

"The world is not cruel so much as indifferent." - Rock Cowles

"On a scale of one to ten, you suck monkey balls." - Rock Cowles

"Why the hell would I try to get in your pants when it looks like you could barely get them past your
hips?" - Rock Cowles

"FSM knows I've poked enough bears with sticks and it seems the older I get, the shorter my stick and the quicker the bears see me coming. I just have less tolerance for bullshit and a lot less need for approval." - Rock Cowles

"I hate it when there is nothing on the Internet..." - Rock Cowles.

"You don't love people because of who they are or what might happen if you don’t. You love them because
of who you are." - Rock Cowles

"I wouldn't recommend investing a lot of time worrying about a guy who's plans for world domination involved chicken suits and making people laugh so hard that pee comes out of their noses, but when there is a guy who smiles all the time, says he's your friend, and wants to keep you safe by taking away your teeth and claws, I'd watch that son of a bitch 24/7 with a 45 in each hand and as many friends at my back as possible." - Rock Cowles

"Inside every fat person is a thin person struggling to get out. Sometimes as many as two or three." - Rock Cowles

"I liked what we had, I just didn't like having it with you." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is indeed the opiate of the masses. Except for Islam, its more like Crystal Meth." - Rock Cowles

"No good deed goes unpunished." - Rock Cowles

"I didn't make you look fat, not pushing yourself away from the table made you look fat." - Rock Cowles, Caricaturist.

"If you can't afford to give something away, you don't own it, it owns you. If you can't afford to sell it, its probably an important organ." - Rock Cowles

"Don't swallow the blue suppository." - Rock Cowles

"When we were young and foolish people said we had a death wish. If we live to be old and tired, we realize we had a life wish; and miss it often." - Rock Cowles

"So apparently, 'I didn't even know you had a birthday.' is not a valid excuse for missing one. " - Rock Cowles

"When your children are young you want to protect them from the world. When they're teenagers, you want to protect them from themselves." - Rock Cowles

“Banning guns, drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, political incorrectness, and gay marriage hasn’t worked. We should ban Life. So long as even one of us lives, none will ever be safe.” - Rock Cowles

"Help me, Mr. Wizard! I don't want to be an amateur gynecologist anymore!" - Rock Cowles channeling Tooter the Turtle

"Do Atheists believe in Devils' Advocates?" - Rock Cowles

"Friends don't let friends be Packers Fans... EVER! (I don't care how much paint your mother huffed during her pregnancy!)" - Rock Cowles

"If a famous liberal politician received a fatal swirly, would the rest of them try to ban indoor plumbing or opposable thumbs first?" - Rock Cowles

"I know enough to know that I don't know what I don't know." - Rock Cowles

"No greater invention was ever devised for creating the delusion of productivity than the personal computer, except for religion." - Rock Cowles

"Instant gratification isn't worth the wait." - Rock Cowles

Why is it easier for some people to believe their ancestors were a clump of mud and a cannibalized body part, than apes? - Rock Cowles

"If it looks too good to be true its usually me!" - Rock Cowles

"Moderate is eunuch for wishy washy. True moderates don't have opinions and shouldn't be taking polls." - Rock Cowles

"I tried Viagra once. All it did was make me taller." - Rock Cowles

I'm not really a Christian, I just play one at church. (True Things Nobody Says: Rock Cowles)

"Never, ever, ever call a lady cop "Fatboy"." - Rock Cowles

"I've never claimed there is no god. I've simply stated I don't believe in one. The burden of proof is on those who postulate that there is a god while presenting no evidence." - Rock Cowles

"I am grateful for the friends in my life and the life in my friends." - Rock Cowles

"People treat you exactly the way you teach them to." -Rock Cowles

"I haven't killed anyone all day. Gimme a cookie. Now." - Rock Cowles

"I don't tolerate stupidity well although I am more than capable of it myself. Wait, what?"
 - Rock Cowles

"I tried Viagra and all it did was make me taller." - Rock Cowles

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't push him in." - Rock Cowles

"Thinking outside of the box is great, unless you happen to be a cat." - Rock Cowles

"Its all about the ride. If I can enjoy myself, bring some degree of happiness to others, and leave things a little better than when I got here, it wasn't a wasted trip." - Rock Cowles

"You get your cards, place your bets, and play the best game you can. The House always wins." - Rock Cowles

"We cease to exist every time we go to sleep. That break in awareness includes self-awareness. If you aren't there, you won't know what you are missing." - Rock Cowles

"Its so easy to read into why people do things, to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and to reduce people to the sum of their actions
and behaviors, the people themselves lost forever. What tragedy." - Rock Cowles

"I don't understand half of what you say and the other half doesn't make sense." - Rock Cowles

"Mensa taught me that intelligence is a gift, not a promise. Its a tool, like natural athleticism, that can waste away or be lost in an instant. That having it was not as important as what is done with it." - Rock Cowles

“It is not circumstances, but attitude
that dictates the quality of one’s life.”
- Rock Cowles

"If you play with zombies, expect to get bit." - Rock Cowles

"If it wasn't for me, I wouldn't have anybody." - Rock Cowles

"My New Year's resolution this New Year was not to make any New Year's resolutions. I already blew it." - Rock Cowles

Religion: "A friend of a friend's brother's ex-girlfriend's dad's former classmate's boss's mother-in-law's co-worker's milkman's pen pal's, medicine man's babysitter's dog said..." and that settles it! - Rock Cowles

"I have no clue what Plato was talking about when he said that the unexamined wife was not worth leaving. I don't even know whose wife he was talking about." - Rock Cowles

God: "Hey, Rock! It's me, God!"

Rock: "God?" How do I know you're really God?"

God: "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."

Rock: "Never mind."

"Good things come to those who wait in ambush." - Rock Cowles

"Just because we are intelligent doesn't mean we have to act like it!" - Rock Cowles

"You never REALLY know anyone, just your perceptions and opinions of them." - Rock Cowles.

"The concept of "throwing away votes" is a lie. It only becomes true if you get enough people to believe it and be afraid they will do it." - Rock Cowles

"Pacifism only works for the protected." - Rock Cowles

"I antagonize almost everyone I meet. I think its a mirth defect." - Rock Cowles

“Speak to inform, educate, entertain, and inspire, but first and foremost always speak the truth.” - Rock Cowles

"I think there is conspiracy going to prove that conspiracies exist!" - Rock Cowles

"I'm fluffy and I'm not as pretty naked as I once was. Duh, its called life without good
genes, proper diet, regular exercise, and plastic surgery." - Rock Cowles

"I'm enough of an independent loner, that staying in a group's good graces is not always my first priority. I'm not a big fan of majority rules. We call that a mob. Sorry, TJ, all men are not created equal, even if they should be afforded equal ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶s̶ freedoms." - Rock Cowles

"I hate the whole Liberal mindset. It makes me nauseous and fearful for my child. I have nightmares about her being trampled by panicked Sheeple when reality becomes real!" - Rock Cowles

"I prefer popcorn over cop porn." - Rock Cowles

"The biggest benefit of being highly intelligent that I've found is that when you look at other people like they're stupid you're usually right." - Rock Cowles

"I believe in GOD. (GOD = Getting Over Dogma)." - Rock Cowles

"How come nobody ever talks about getting the long end of the stick? How can you even tell which end is which?" - Rock Cowles

"Airborne pack their own chutes no matter who they pray to." - Rock Cowles

"Is it just my imagination or are there a lot of Psychotic people in here?" - Rock Cowles

"If it shuffles like a zombie, stinks like a zombie, and moans like a zombie, make sure it isn't your mom, then shoot it in the f***ing head." - Rock Cowles

"I'd have more money than Bill Gates if I could invent a snooze button for bladders." - Rock Cowles

"If hindsight is 20/20 why do we keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results?" - Rock Cowles

"You have a certain quality
that is nearly irresistible.
I think it's called "Spank Appeal"." - Rock Cowles

"Having another birthday year after year is getting old." - Rock Cowles

“If I ever meet C.S. Lewis ”in person“ I will either apologize to him or punch him in the head, depending on where we meet.” - Rock Cowles

"I hate politics. It often seems like an exercise in futility and I'd like to say screw it and let it be someone else's problem. Unfortunately, that someone would most likely be my child and her children. I've seen what not talking about politics has done to the country I love. We cannot remain silent if we want to remain free." - Rock Cowles

"I think outside the box because I was never in it." - Rock Cowles

"I've never belonged to any group that didn't have at least one member who wasn't a total dick." - Rock Cowles (Hey! Wait a minute!)

""I don't believe" is a statement for me, not a stand. Ignosticism reminds me how much I don't know. It doesn't mean I can't shred specific religions fairly handily. I've just matured to the point that I don't feel the need to. Nothing left to prove or disprove." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is a universal security blanket for a lot of people, especially children. It gives them a sense of security, albeit, I am relatively certain, a false one. It can cost them their freedom, self respect, sanity, and individuality. Teach children to respect life, themselves, and others; to be self reliant, to use their intelligence to draw their own conclusions, to plan for the future, but to live in today." - Rock Cowles

"I could say I don't like dating, but its more like, I backed over this glass slipper with my car and somebody owes me a tire!" - Rock Cowles

"The first part of preparedness is awareness. Without it, you are toast." - Rock Cowles

"Music is the timeline of my life. It reminds me of where I have been, who I was with, what I was doing, and when, as well as what was going on in the world around me." - Rock Cowles

"Dear Single Internet Women, you DO NOT have an "average build" if your birthday suit looks like a snowmobile suit!" - Rock Cowles

"I appreciate nature and I do think we are all connected. What we do to each other and our planet affects us all. If I had to create my own religion it would have only one premise; Don't shit where you eat." - Rock Cowles

"The so-called perfect woman has no place to go but down. (snicker) - Rock Cowles

"The best smiles come easily and often and don't include drool unless there is a tail wagging behind them." - Rock Cowles

"I'd like to see atheism represented not only as an intelligent choice, but common sense. It shouldn't take years of study to not believe in things that there is no proof of." - Rock Cowles

"May you be reincarnated as a cat in a dog park." - Rock Cowles

"Sleep, like sanity, seems to elude me when I need it most." - Rock Cowles

"Do you know how many great writers, musicians, artists, scientists, inventors, theologians, and statesmen have died poor? All of them! You can't take it with you, no way, no how! Enjoy what you have while you have it. Whoever is a slave to the mighty buck is a slave to stupidity." - Rock Cowles

"I have faith in the law of averages. Every day that I can remember, I awoke. I have little reason to believe that today will be different, but as each day passes, the odds increase that it will not happen this day. I can cling to that faith as much as my little heart desires, but eventually, it will bite me in the ass, and bite hard." - Rock Cowles

"If you don't keep your pants on, who will?" - Rock Cowles

"I'm a Sit Down Stand Up Comedian, whatever the hell that is. Maybe a writer with a short attention span and one broken crayon." - Rock Cowles

"I have a T-shirt that says, "Plays Well With Self." It suits me (or at least the top half)." - Rock Cowles

"Without liberty, there is no opportunity for equality." - Rock Cowles

""Sin" is an archery term meaning "to miss the mark". If we are born sinners, and God created us that way, didn't He miss the mark and therefore sin?" - Rock Cowles

"There is more evidence to support the possibility that there could be a crack smoking Velociraptor in a pink tutu playing the ukelele in my kitchen than there is that there is a god. Personally, I think the Velociraptor would be the less ridiculous of the two." - Rock Cowles

"Getting proper change back at McDonalds: It's not rocket science, but it might as well be." - Rock Cowles

"How can I tell if someone is pretty on the inside without looking in all of her orifices?" - Rock Cowles

"Facebook: more verbicidal maniacs than you can shake a faggot at." - Rock Cowles

"One of the great things about having your own invisible god is you can make him/her/it as big and grand as your little heart desires, and unless he/she/it is crashing into furniture and shit, who is to say different?" - Rock Cowles

"What's the most interesting thing about me? Its a toss up between my frolicking, unconventional, and twisted mind and the way I use a chainsaw to paint Lima Beans purple with my toes in my sleep while driving. What about you?" - Rock Cowles

"Happiness in relationships is often a balancing act. You can't always just go after eye candy, follow your pants, or get tugged everywhere by your heartstrings. Sometimes its hard remembering that you are complete all by yourself. Relationships are enhancements. They make you more of who you are, so you want to take the time to find the people who bring out the good in you. Don't quit, just take your time, be patient, be good to and trust yourself." - Rock Cowles

"Welfare sucks, literally." - Rock Cowles

"For some men honor is more than a word, more than a way of life, it is more important than life. The ones who are truly honorable are always honorable. They are not volatile. They make the best friends and the worst enemies for they know that once lost, honor, like virginity, can never be regained." - Rock Cowles

"Being happy with your obesity is about as intelligent as being happy with your seat on the railroad tracks. It might work for a brief while, but its not recommended." - Rock Cowles

"I think Liberals may tend to be more people oriented, whereas Conservatives are more task oriented. It makes Liberals look softheaded to Conservatives and Conservatives hardhearted to Liberals. I'm a Libertarian for the most part. I guess we're just assholes. Practical, critical thinking assholes who ask evil selfish questions like "Why are we being punished for something someone else did or might possibly do?", "Who is supposed to pay for this?" and "What about my children and their future?"" - Rock Cowles

""Fixed income" is my new least favorite oxymoron..." - Rock Cowles

"Is Dr. Atkins the Anti-Pasta?" - Rock Cowles

"Is it Armageddon yet or did I miss it?" - Rock Cowles

"I now have a new reason for living. It is my life's goal to make my girlfriend laugh so hard that she pees out of her nose!" - Rock Cowles

“Just Because I’m Arrogant Doesn’t Mean That I’m Not Better Than You!” - Rock Cowles

“When all else fails, go back to bed. Repeat as necessary.” - Rock Cowles

"It wouldn't be nearly as much fun if everyone walked a mile in my shoes. There'd be like arms and legs, peckers and boobs sticking out everywhere, and I think I'd need to burn the shoes afterwards." - Rock Cowles

"I take not taking life too seriously very seriously." - Rock Cowles

"Do Mega-Churches have Mega-Pastors?" - Rock Cowles

"I've been a Mensan over twenty years, yet I don't, as a rule, go through my day thinking I am smarter than the majority of people I come in contact with. As a matter of fact, I tend to be amazed by the depths of human stupidity on a near daily basis, including, sometimes, my own." - Rock Cowles

“Having another birthday, year after year, is getting old.” - Rock Cowles

"I prefer "open minds" over "like minds". Its part of that whole "think for yourself" thingy that I try to subscribe to." - Rock Cowles

"Money may talk, but Debt screams like a horde of syphilitic banshees!" - Rock Cowles

“I have no more fear of death than I do of going to sleep. I have no psychotic, PMSing, invisible tyrant in the sky trying to fry me with a magnifying glass just for showing up.

I know the rules and have a clear conscience.  I'm an atheist." - Rock Cowles

"I unintentionally slaughter sacred cows in public venues and speak my mind even when I have lost it. I often open my mouth just to change feet." - Rock Cowles

"If you have lived your life in such a way that no one has ever found you obnoxious then you have my condolences for you have never really lived." - Rock Cowles

"Just because you have a Twitter account doesn't mean you should have a Twitter account. - Rock Cowles

"I overthink everything except for maybe when..." - Rock Cowles

"As I age, the filters between my mind and my mouth get used less and less and the unsuspecting world gets to experience more and more of what is uniquely me... the hard way." - Rock Cowles

"My singing is inspirational. When I sing, the people around me sing louder." - Rock Cowles

"To be is to create. To create is to be." - Rock Cowles

"There are two things in life more important than a good education; Health and Integrity, neither of which can easily be replaced." - Rock Cowles

"Sometimes sad just is." - Rock Cowles

"Government Education is an oxymoron. It is indoctrination. Lay still, little sheep, or The Wolf will get you." - Rock Cowles

"Personal responsibility for one's own thoughts and emotions requires great courage, but is the only path to true freedom." - Rock Cowles

"Religion is as harmless as a toddler with a handgun." - Rock Cowles

"When a friend dies, they take a part of you with them and leave a little of themselves behind." - Rock Cowles

"Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Not that I have much left to prove." - Rock Cowles

"A real education is not just eclectic, it defines it." - Rock Cowles

"Someone once busted on me for liking one of my own posts. Why the hell would I have posted it in the first place if I didn't like it? Its like giving a writer shit, instead of credit, for quoting themselves. Everyone quotes themselves. Writers are just a bit more formal and hopefully articulate about it. Its how they make a living. Artists sign their work. Its how they get known and how they get paid. Give credit where credit is due. Respect copyrights." - Rock Cowles

"I'm a libertarian, not a liberal. That makes me pro get the fuck out of my face, not pro poor baby." - Rock Cowles

"Live wrong and posture." - Rock Cowles

"An atheist is merely someone who doesn't believe in god/s. Atheism matters to me because I see what religion does to people, individually and collectively. I'm horrified and appalled by what people and societies do in the name of their god/s or religion. I want to do my part to stop it. I'm not out to deconvert anyone. I want them to start thinking boldly, to question everything,  to learn to recognize truth, and deconvert themselves." - Rock Cowles

"Character matters most. It will outlast physical beauty, athleticism, intelligence, and since you can't take it with you, prosperity." - Rock Cowles

" If women were created from ribs then why do they taste like fish?" - Rock Cowles

"You'll make more friends with a blunt rock than with a kind word. Or not." - Rock Cowles

Twisted Faces - Caricature Art from Rock Cowles

Twisted Faces - Caricature Art from Rock Cowles
Twisted Faces Web Site

Kowulz on Facebook

Dave Cowles's Facebook profile

Caricatures by Rock Kowulz