It has came to the attention of Federal, State, and Local Law Enforcement via the Liberal Media and Socialist elements of our government that a large number of you are dying at the hands of the police. This isn't so much due to police brutality, profiling, or an increase in tyrannical and oppressive laws, but simply because as a result of your Life of Crime™ you just haven't been taking care of yourselves the way you should have. This is starting to really make us look bad. Therefore, as much as we hate to do it, beginning immediately, we are going to have to require you to sign a Criminal Health & Fitness Pre-Fight Waiver before fighting the police if you suffer from high blood pressure, obesity, heart problems, drug addled confusion, 90 Proof Courage, gross stupidity, or any other physical, mental, or emotional issues that might affect your health during or after an altercation with law enforcement officials.
Rest assured, we wish to make this transaction as easy for you as possible. You can request and sign the waiver anytime you interact with the police. Alternatively, you can ask your probation or parole officer or stop by your local law enforcement center. While you're there, it would be greatly appreciated if you would sign our pledge not to bring any illegally concealed firearms into any government offices, VA Hospitals, local businesses, churches, homes, schools, or other gun free zones marked by odious No Concealed Firearms sign. Surely if law abiding citizens can abide by this and be publicly disarmed of their own volition, then you are all big enough badasses that you won't need guns either. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In the totally unspeakably, unlikely event that we do not receive full, immediate, and 100% total cooperation on this, we will be forced to humbly request that you take a petition around and get at least a hundred signatures before looting and burning down your local neighborhood businesses, and (yes, we'll be playing hardball in this event) you'll need to have a permission slip from your mother before participating.
Please notice when filling out the new politically correct waivers that there are no boxes to indicate race. You can now choose your own stereotype and act as you see fit. If you have any questions, please address them to Reverend Jesse Jackson for prayer and spiritual advice and Al Sharpton, Esq. for legal or tax advice. Unless you're White, Hispanic, or Asian, then you're on your own.
Let's be careful out there.