But I don't wanna be emancipated!!!

My second divorce should be final today. Woo hoo. Been carousing the free online dating sites and am thinking of castrating myself and gouging my eyes out or gouging my eyes out and then castrating myself, depending on my mood. A frontal lobotomy or two might help me fit in, as would a season or ten with a cut rate southern carnival and a new wardrobe from the Salvation Army. I wonder if these women even read their profiles or live in the real world at all. You DO NOT have an average build if your birthday suit looks like a snow mobile suit! When most folks talk about having an athletic build they are not generally speaking of Sumo Wrestlers!

I'm not wanting a Barbie Doll, but the rampaging hordes of Mrs. Potatoheads are starting to get old.

At the risk of losing the adoration of tens (or perhaps twos), I posted the following on my profile. Go me.

I don't get women who post ten Selfies all accenting their boobs or rumps and then hiss and rant about not being on here for booty calls or FWB, That's like using pictures of amusement parks to sell plots at a cemetery. What were you thinking? Especially those of you who are adamant about being Christian ladies. Is Jesus a boob guy? Yes, I see, you have boobs. Your parents must be so proud. What else do you have going for you? Or those of you sainted ladies who talk about what loving, kind, nurturing, and compassionate beings you are, but can't even respond to friendly, polite, complimentary messages with a simple "No thank you".

Thanks for showing your true colors before I invest sixty two bucks on a couple of cups of coffee and accidentally back over your head in my haste to vacate the bookstore parking lot.

Celibacy never looked so good.

The Joys of Aging...

R.I.P., Max.

I see a lot of hate and ignorance being spewed out at the police officer who shot a two year old Rottweiler named Max a couple of days ago. Max was doing what he was supposed to do. So was the police officer who shot him. His owner was not. Whether the other officers who arrested him were is yet to be seen. It is a sad situation. Max's racist owner wanted to get arrested and cared more about it than his dog. He has tried to sue that department a half dozen times according to the news. I like most dogs more than most people.

I was a police officer and know a police officer who was maimed by a dog while on the job because he did not shoot. Max clearly lunged at the officer. I'm sure the officer who shot Max feels horrible. Walk a beat in any officer's shoes before you judge him.

Letter of Reference

First the set up. I was a police officer in the City of Woodruff (South Carolina) for three years in the nineties. After I left, I asked the City Manager, John Mullins, to write me a letter of reference. John, at sixty, appeared to be a portly English butler. With elegant manners, incredible articulation and clarity, and his fancy suits, John’s polished exterior belies the presence of the hyperactive/ADD poster child. Always professional and graceful in public, he is quick and witty behind closed doors. Up to his elbows in everything, John repeatedly put it off. Finally, exasperated by my tenacity, he told me to write it myself and if I didn't overdo it, he would sign it.

Attached is what I faxed him at the City Hall, fake signature and all.



The next day, the best letter of reference I had ever received was in the mail!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 20th, 1998





John Mullins

Woodruff City Manager

231 E. Hayne Street

Woodruff, SC 29388



Ref.: Dave Cowles



To Whom It May Concern;



Regarding former Woodruff police officer, Dave Cowles. It is my opinion that Dave was the most courageous, competent, intelligent, morally pure person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with. And, he had one humdinger of a sense of humor. Everyday, he would come up to my office, bodily remove whoever might be sitting in front of my desk from the City Hall, return, and shout, ”Hey Fatboy, why do so many gay men have mustaches!?”. As was our routine (No, I do not have a mustache), I would reply, “SOMEBODY CALL 911!”. Dave would pull out his gun, start waving it around, and yell, “TO HIDE THEIR STRETCHMARKS!”, then he would laugh until he soiled his britches and pass out from all of the drugs and alcohol. God damn, was he a hoot to work with!



I’ll never forget the time he talked me into stripping down to my boxer shorts, rolling around in chicken blood and feces, then with a cucumber in one hand and a feather boa in the other, run into the City Council Meeting screaming that I was attacked by faggot alien dwarves! You should have seen the looks on their faces! Sure, they all laughed and later on said they didn’t believe it for a second, but I knew they did! God damn, was he a hoot to work with!



Sometimes we would talk about philosophy, life, and all that shit.



He was a great cop and all of Woodruff is the poorer for his leaving. He should be king! He made me want to be a Yankee! Give him a job, any job. He’s a god damned hoot to work with.



Please feel free to contact me with any further questions.



Your friend in Jesus,



John Mullins

John Mullins

Woodruff City Manager

(864) 555-1212

Sex Offender Registry Revisited

I was recently viewing a great web site called City-Data.com and used one of its features which allows you to see all of the registered sex offenders in a given area. I actually found one in my townhouse complex, which was startling since you have to have a clean record and a criminal background check to live here! It turns out this guy was not on the lease, but had moved in with his girlfriend. They have all sorts of rules for convicted sex offenders, at least in South Carolina. I was told that they are not allowed to live in apartment complexes and have to introduce themselves and state that they are registered sex offenders with their neighbors.

This guy was convicted ten years ago of distributing obscene materials to a minor (16 years old). That got me wondering. Did he give a Playboy magazine to his son and his ex-wife had him arrested? Did he get drunk and text a picture of his junk to his kids' babysitter? Its a pretty vague charge to have following you around the rest of your life. Why is sex still so taboo in our society? If you are convicted of a sex crime, you don't serve your time and get a fresh start, like a murderer, thief, or manslaughter committing drunk driver. Why is that? Of course nobody likes a pedophile or anyone who preys on children. Is "Once a pedophile always a pedophile" true? Why are they released into society with the handicap of the Registered Sex Offender label following them through every aspect of their lives if they are rehabilitated? Why are they released into society at all if they are not?

Not all convicted sex offenders are predators. I know of a body piercer who worked in the Myrtle Beach area and pierced a sixteen year old boy's nipples when his father brought him in and signed for him to have it done. The boy's parents were going through an ugly divorce and the mother called the police and had the piercer arrested for performing a lewd act on a minor. He is now, and will always be, a convicted sex offender! Where is the justice there?

These laws remind me of Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. I think they need to be reevaluated without the religious puritanism and piousness that they were formed around in a different time. Let the punishment fit the crime.

This strikes me as having similar problems to the War On Drugs which, in South Carolina, will suspend a person's drivers license for simple possession of marijuana even if they weren't driving a car or in a car when they were busted. Another great way to wreck someone's marriage, reputation, and livelihood that has the potential to be vastly excessive.