Things you will never hear from a Southern boy

My Uncle Unabomber was kind enough to send this to me. The man has a 190 IQ so it must be right. Hmmm, go figure...


31 things you will never hear from a Southern boy:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18 Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Zelda, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zinfandel for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You guys.
2. Becky Mae darlin', those shorts oughta be a little longer.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'!