But I don't wanna be emancipated!!!

My second divorce should be final today. Woo hoo. Been carousing the free online dating sites and am thinking of castrating myself and gouging my eyes out or gouging my eyes out and then castrating myself, depending on my mood. A frontal lobotomy or two might help me fit in, as would a season or ten with a cut rate southern carnival and a new wardrobe from the Salvation Army. I wonder if these women even read their profiles or live in the real world at all. You DO NOT have an average build if your birthday suit looks like a snow mobile suit! When most folks talk about having an athletic build they are not generally speaking of Sumo Wrestlers!

I'm not wanting a Barbie Doll, but the rampaging hordes of Mrs. Potatoheads are starting to get old.

At the risk of losing the adoration of tens (or perhaps twos), I posted the following on my profile. Go me.

I don't get women who post ten Selfies all accenting their boobs or rumps and then hiss and rant about not being on here for booty calls or FWB, That's like using pictures of amusement parks to sell plots at a cemetery. What were you thinking? Especially those of you who are adamant about being Christian ladies. Is Jesus a boob guy? Yes, I see, you have boobs. Your parents must be so proud. What else do you have going for you? Or those of you sainted ladies who talk about what loving, kind, nurturing, and compassionate beings you are, but can't even respond to friendly, polite, complimentary messages with a simple "No thank you".

Thanks for showing your true colors before I invest sixty two bucks on a couple of cups of coffee and accidentally back over your head in my haste to vacate the bookstore parking lot.

Celibacy never looked so good.